we were worth it
by EndWorldPeas
Summary: Did someone order angst with a side of angst? AU, triggers, slow burn, future, OC, the usual.
1. i don't know how to love someone else

we were worth it

1

* * *

It was like she was caught in a "fuck you" kaleidoscope. It was her face, eight different ways, but each one reminding her that she should have ended things a year ago like she had wanted to.

"Paige, honey, I know it's a little cliche to ask you this on our first anniversary."

Oh, right, she had not meant to see Katie again after their night together. Their one night stand was supposed to end with a quick gathering of clothes and an awkward promise to call. Instead, Katie was kneeling in front of her, shoving a diamond ring in her face, and promising to love her forever. She glared back at her eight faces, all stretched and distorted. Laughter bubbled up inside of her knowing that the ring was the only thing that knew how she truly felt inside.

"Honey, could you..." Katie groaned and adjusted her weight to give her knee a break, "could you give me an answer, please? People are looking at us."

No, not "us" they were looking at Katie because the window of opportunity to say yes had long since passed. Everyone knew at this point the only possible outcome was a rejection. Yes was fast, rejections took planning - at least the careful ones did. Her face twisted with frustration because Katie was still kneeling in front of her, all nervous green eyes and twitchy red lips. Her focus shifted on the reflection in the floor-to-ceiling windows. They could be mistaken for a happy couple in the best moment of their lives. Lying windows.

"I wasn't going to call you." Not the answer Katie was probably ready to stab someone for at that moment, but it was all she could think about. She never planned on calling Katie, but they ran into each other the next night. Dammit, that thick hair and blinding smile lured her in again. When she found out that Katie was an airline pilot and would be gone most of the time, she convinced herself she could keep seeing her. It had been easy. Absence makes the libido go crazy and all Katie wanted to do was make up for lost time when she was home. Easy ended almost five minutes ago, though.

"But you're glad you did because I'm the love of your life?" And then there was that blinding smile.

It was the hopeful lift in Katie's voice that made her stomach twist. "No, I regret it, because I wasted a year of yours." She wished she was better at acting. Maybe it would be better for Katie if she had been able to make up some sob story about how she loved Katie, but it was all happening too fast. How much more of that poor girl's time could she waste, though? "I meet the love of my life years ago and -"

"Emily, right?" Katie lifted herself off the ground, take a moment to wipe whatever might be stuck to her knee. She was calm. As calm as Paige had ever seen her. To anyone still watching them Katie's face gave nothing away. They could just be discussing the timing of the proposal. They could be hopelessly in love, but the housing market is slowing and is not the best time to have a new wife and a new house. It was only the crease in Katie's brow and the way she downed the rest of the brown liquor in her glass in a single, heroic gulp, that told Paige the real story. "Emily from high school?"

The judgment practically dripped from each letter of Katie's last question. High school was such a long time ago, after all, and everyone is just teenaged idiots during that phase. She stared hard at Katie's gorgeous profile, the sharp angles of her jaw, the gentle slope of her nose. It was this aloof demeanor that drew her in the first time when Katie was the most beautiful woman in the bar and wouldn't give her the time of day. It amazed her, really, how Katie could go from proposing to seeming completely unfazed by it all. She certainly had a type. "And college." That made it better, at least she could inform Katie that they had been adult idiots too. "I never told you about her."

"Then how do I know everything about her, Paige," Katie asked as the waiter slipped another drink in front of her.

She shrugged and Katie rolled her eyes. "You told me all about her in your sleep. I'm pretty sure you even sleep fucked me once when you were dreaming about her." Katie scoffed then and looked at her. The exposed Edison bulb lighting casting a dark shadow over her eyes, hiding all the hurt she was feeling in that moment. It was probably better that way. "I thought about stopping you, but it was the most...present you've ever been." Katie started twirling the ice blocks around in her glass, stalling to let the catch in her throat pass. "Almost every night it was like being held hostage at a poetry slam on misunderstood teenager night. Constant prose about her face, her eyes, her lips, her lips, and her lips. You were really focused on her lips."

Paige blushed then knowing that the focus was most likely on what those lips could do to her.

"One night, I found you sleeping with your high school yearbook when I had tried to surprise you at your house. I just knew that I would find her in there so I looked at the pages you had stuck your thumb between before you fell asleep. There were four smiling Emilies and I wondered which one was yours. When I got to the fifth one, I knew, she was stunning." Paige couldn't think of a time when she had ever heard Katie speak with a voice so quiet. "I could understand why I had to hear about those sculpted lips every night. Then I imagined how I'd likely break my hand swinging my fist into those cheekbones." Katie laughed at the absurdity of the fantasy, not because any of what was happening was funny.

"Why did you just ask me to marry you then," Paige asked, her eyes shifted to the velvet ring box sitting between them on the table. She wondered if she could throw it far enough to make this whole night never happen. All she wanted was easy.

"Sorry, I thought I was clear, I'm in love you. Head over heels, really. Even if you live in the past." It was then Katie's eyes went glassy with tears waiting to slip passed her eyelashes.

Paige was doing to someone else what had been done to her. She had let Katie hope for a future with her when there was never going to be one. The worst part was that she didn't know why she gave herself permission to be with Katie in this way and for so long. She had treated the women in her life like they were precious and fragile, well aware of the fact that she would never fully allow herself to be with any of them. Maybe she thought Katie could take it. Maybe it was the fact that she was sure Katie could have anyone that she wanted. Paige saw a lot of Emily in Kaite, someone who would leave her anytime the opportunity presented itself. Only, she had misjudged, because Katie had been fighting to stay all along.

The waiter dropped the check in front of Katie, but Paige picked it up before Katie could. Paying for dinner was the least she could do after pretending her heart was available for so long.

"Well," the sound of Katie's chair scraping against the stained concrete floor sounded like a car accident as it echoed off the walls of the quiet restaurant. For a place that was normally buzzing, it was obvious all the attention was still on them, "this ranks in my top-5 worst ideas at least." Katie jammed her arms into the sleeve of her leather jacket. Paige didn't have the heart to remind her that the jacket was actually hers. Before she turned to go she paused, bringing her shaking hand up to her forehead. She opened and closed her mouth a couple times, already looking disgusted with herself. "Let me know if you change your mind."

* * *

It was nights like this when she hated herself for deciding to purchase a small home with some land in the country instead of just living in the city - even one that could only be considered a city by Iowa standards. Thick clouds were bringing the promise of another stormy night and preventing the moonlight from illuminating the road for her. The blackness surrounded her on all sides except for the two dull beams from dirty headlights keeping her on the right path.

The restaurant was over an hour away from her house. If things had gone well she would already be tucked into Katie's bed, wrapped up in slim arms and strong thighs. "But no, she just had to propose." She shook her head to knock that thought out of her mind, none of this was Katie's fault. Her hands were already hurting from the death grip she had on the steering wheel, but she squeezed tighter as her thoughts of watery green eyes were interrupted with memories of eyes that were soft and brown. Her nerves were unraveling faster than she could drive. It all just hurt too much. In a world where Emily never existed, she could see herself marrying someone like Katie. The truth was, though, that she couldn't lie to herself enough to deny that if Katie couldn't break through her Emily-reinforced walls, no one ever would.

The trees whipped by as she pressed harder on the gas pedal, faster and faster than the narrow, country road was intended for. She wanted to scream. She wanted to drive off the road and smash head first into one of those mighty oaks. Not enough to die she told herself, but just enough to not feel numb. Only then did the hot tears start to roll down her face, because she knew at this speed it was enough to die. Still, she stared at the trees, silently begging her hands to just move to the left. Do it for her. Just a twitch to the left and she could -

"Shit." Smoke billowed in clouds engulfing her truck as she slammed both feet onto the brake. Sitting there, in the middle of the road, enveloped in her own smoky world, she thought about giving herself a moment to reflect on where her mind had been going just minutes ago. Instead, she backed up passed her driveway and turned onto the gravel path that led to her home. "It's all right. I'm just tired," she told herself, "long night, long year...long life."

Then, there it was, the shine of silver paint just at the edge of headlights. It had lost some of its luster over the years, but she would recognize it anywhere at any time. It could have been a bucket of rust and bolts sitting in her driveway, she'd still know. "Emily..."

She wished her heart would stop beating for a second so she could hear herself think. How was so supposed to focus with all that thundering going on in her ears? The blue and yellow Pennsylvania plates came into focus. Then the Rosewood High swim team sticker. Then it was as if she had crashed into one of those trees after all. A weight pressed right in the center of her chest and she gasped in all the air she could, but it didn't feel like enough. Bolts of pain shot around in her skull causing her to wince each time they collided with each other. Her muscled tensed. She was spring loaded and ready to run because standing beside her little silver car was the woman who made her life hell.

Her truck hadn't even come to a complete stop before she swung open the door and jumped out. "Leave. Now."

"Paige, before you say anything please let me explain." Emily clasped her hands in front of her, pleading to be heard.

"You're going to show up at my door and then start telling me what to do. I told you when you chose that woman over me," she forced her hands into her own hair enjoying the string of some of the strands being ripped out by the roots. Anything was better than the feeling of being blindsided by Emily, "the day after you told me that you wanted me, that you wanted us, that I was done with you." The pressure was building behind her eyes and she knew that if she didn't get into the safety of her home she was going to break down in front of Emily. Never again was she going to give Emily a glimpse into the pain she caused.

She pointed her finger back to the end of the driveway. Ready to tell Emily off. That she meant everything she said when she told Emily that she never wanted to see her again. Until she noticed two small pairs of big brown eyes that stopped her. Little copies of the eyes that she knew so well. Paige felt her heart thump, just once, just enough to sting a little.

"I chose my babies," Emily said with just enough breath to get the words out.

Paige wasn't listening, though, too stunned to pay attention anymore. There had been a time when she imagined raising children with Emily. Back then, she had hoped they would look exactly like the woman she loved so much. It was as if the future she dreamed for herself and Emily was gazing up at her with sleepy, blinking eyes

"We don't have anywhere else to go. Paige, please..."

An epic battle raged inside of her. Her heart was fighting for Emily, the girl she had love and the woman that she had once wanted to marry, but her head was firmly against Emily, the one who shattered her every chance she got. She knew the best thing to do to her own sake would be to tell Emily to go, but the words just wouldn't come so instead she just stepped around Emily, opened the car door, and scooped the girls into her arms. "You and the girls can take my room, but just for tonight. I want you gone tomorrow."

"Thank you, Paige, this means -"

She cut Emily off with a wave of her hand. "Save it. Just to be clear, I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for these two precious, innocent girls that you've dragged out to the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night for whatever reason. A reason that I don't care to hear." She turned to walk into the house, leaving Emily standing there in the dark, not even noticing the steady flow of tears down her face.

* * *

12.31.18

* * *

AN: *peaks through the cracks in the boards covering the windows of the Paily fandom clubhouse* "This feels like a Pink Floyd song." It's your old pal, Endworldpeas. Anyway, I've been writing again. Not sure if anyone is still around to read about the shipwreck that is Paily, but there you go and I admire your loyality to the endgame that should have been.

Almost forgot about the actual story: you guys, it's sad. You're probably going to hate it. Honestly, if you remember my writing at all add alone at a buffet on Thankgiving levels of sadness to what I'd already write. Someone might die (no, I wouldn't (I would)).


	2. how i miss you every single day

how i miss you every single day

2

* * *

For years she had been telling herself to buy a new sofa. Hers was old, beaten down, and worst of all, it came with the house. If this couch could talk, Paige won't want to hear a word it was saying. At least she had a bedsheet between her skin and the worn, checkered fabric, but that sheet did nothing to protect her back from the many lumps the sofa had grown over the years.

Not that it mattered, it wasn't the disgusting couch and its many tumors keeping her awake. It wasn't even the storm that raged outside and the mental tally she was keeping of all the downed tree limbs she'd have to clear. It was her past and two little perfect past replicas currently sleeping in her bed. Her lump-less bed.

The couch squeaked and groaned when Paige flipped to her back, desperate to find a more comfortable position. She wiggled and kicked, flopping her body around hoping to beat the lumps into submission. She won the battle against one, but the war was lost when a spring broke loose in the struggle and pressed against the small of her back. "Fucking great," she said through gritted teeth and then threw herself onto the floor. It was drafty, but anything was better than that damn sofa. She wanted her bed back, but mostly she just wanted to fall asleep. She was so tired that she wanted to cry. All of the day's events, proposal-gate, and then having the love of her life just show up, "with two babies," she said into the empty room with a long sigh. Paige pressed the heels of her palms against her eyes and begged for her brain to shut off.

For seconds, minutes, then hours, Paige stared at the ceiling, listing to the rain beat down mercilessly on her new roof. She was glad she hadn't tired to push the old roof through one more season. Her mind wandered to the stack of boxes in her guest room and the soft mattress hiding behind them. If she had been more productive during the summer she could have been sleeping on that mattress right now.

"I'll fix up the guest room tomorrow morning. Get those boxes out of there and the bed set up." Sleep was finally closing in and she couldn't help, but to think out loud. Planning felt good. It was something she could handle. "Emily and the girls can sleep in there until I can get the office cleaned out. move all that shit into the dinning room." Paige was drifting now, a heavy yawn interrupting her train of thought. "I'll order two little beds, that can be their room." Blinks were lasting longer and longer. "Yellow."

* * *

Down the dark hallway, Emily smiled. Her finger tips dragging along the wall to guide her way into the living room. She has slept beside Paige many nights and knew it was just the rambling she does before she finally falls asleep. Still, Emily couldn't help, but hope that since Paige was planning a future where Emily and the girls got to stay, there was a chance to mend the wounds between them.

She crept forward further into the room. It had been too long since she had been able to just look at Paige. To see her face soft and in the easiness of sleep. Emily knew that trying to talk tonight would be pointless, but just a look, even if it was to just ease her own mind, wouldn't hurt.

The hardwood floors snapped and cracked with every step Emily took, but the storm was thundering so loud outside, that she didn't worry about Paige waking up.

"Do you think I don't recognize the sound of you moving around a room in your bare feet, Emily?"

Emily stilled, frozen in place.

Paige stood then. Her clothes were twisted, hair a mess, and her face looked like she needed 48 hours of sleep. But her eyes were sharp and Emily felt like Paige could see why she was there.

"I just needed some water."

"From where? The hose out back? You passed the kitchen."

"It's not like I was given a tour when I got here."

"Sorry that I didn't have the welcome wagon ready for the surprise visit from my ex. I don't think I was being inconsiderate considering you are not, at all, welcome here. In my home and in my life." Paige at least had the decency to hang her head after seeing the look on Emily's face. There was a time when they didn't purposely hurt each other, but that time had passed. "I'll get you a glass of water," Paige said with a sigh.

"I can get it myself, you've already done enough." Emily felt her way back down the hall until she heard the hum of the refrigerator. "And don't worry, we'll be out of your home and your life as soon as the sun comes up."

* * *

Paige knew that Emily had no idea what time the sun rises, so she wasn't surprised when it was four little hands grabbing at her face that woke her up instead of someone making a hasty exit. She rolled over and propped herself on her elbows finally eye level with two pairs of sleepy eyes. In the daylight, the sight floored her. Her heart squeezed because these girls were Emily. Their hair was already so thick that it overwhelmed their small faces. Their eyes were already so warm with kindness. And she could have sworn one of them raised their eyebrow at her. It was brief, but it definitely happen.

For so long she would torture herself with thoughts of what Emily's girls could look like. Social media was avoided like the plague, because Paige didn't trust herself to not go looking. She imagined them with expressive eyes and blonde hair. Dead eyes and high cheeks bones. Every image was this mixture of Emily and Alison, even though she knew that wasn't how it worked. She still feared that Alison's features would have somehow seeped in.

But these girls were clones of Emily and Paige felt her back straighten now that some of the weight had been lifted.

"Hey," she paused to wipe her watery eyes and try to steady her voice, "do you girls like chocolate chip pancakes?" And the smiles that beamed back at her had her eyes filling with tears all over again.

* * *

Buried deep in a bed piled high with pillows and blankets, Emily reached across the bed, searching for her girlfriend. She could feel the sun on her face and knew Paige would have crawled back into bed with her after swim practice. She shot up when she heard the loud crash and a big voice saying, "uh oh," followed by two little voices repeating with uh ohs of there own.

It would have warmed her heart had she not been having that dream again. The one where it's a perfect morning and she back at Stanford with Paige, hidden away in their shared dorm room. The one where she talks Paige into skipping her classes. The one with the morning filled with clinging fingers and "I love you," whispered against goosebumped skin.

A sob escaped from her throat and she pressed a pillow to face just so she could scream. She screamed beyond the point of her throat being raw. All to keep from crying. Last night, she had promised they'd been gone by sun up. Now her girls were probably throwing things in the kitchen and Emily refused to face Paige with red-rimmed eyes.

She hurried around the room and collected their bags. Snatching fresh clothes for them to wear. They wouldn't be staying for breakfast, no matter how good it smelled. She could feed her own kids. She'd been doing so for years and after what Paige had said to her last night she knew they didn't belong here.

"Girls," she called from the bedroom, "let's get dressed we have to go."

Paige appeared in the doorway, "We just made pancakes," she looked down and stabbed at the carpet with her toe, "there's enough for everyone.

Emily understood the hesitation. Pancakes in the morning was probably the most domestic thing she could have done. And it made Emily want to pick up the pillow she had just been screaming into and throw it at Paige. Leggings and an oversized Stanford sweatshirt, - that Emily was sure she used to steal from Paige all the time - and pancakes from a woman who practically told her to fuck off last night.

Her stomach clenched in the most painful way. "Are you doing this on purpose?"

Confusion flashed across Paige's face, "I don't think someone accidentally makes pancakes."

The flying pillow made direct contact with Paige's stupid head. "You know what I meant. You know me. You used to make pancakes for me and you know what seeing you in that sweatshirt would do to me."

Paige pulled the sweatshirt over her head and tossed it into the corner. "I slept on the floor last night and I got cold. It was just the closest thing I could grab because, I don't know if you realize, but this is my room. All of my clothes are in here. And I was making breakfast for two children, your children." Paige moved to Emily who was struggling to close the zipper on her duffle bag. "What was I supposed to offer them? Eggs Benedict? Any kid that gets excited about eggs Benedict needs therapy." She tried grabbing the duffle bag out of Emily's hand. "Let me help."

"I don't need your help, Paige, okay? I've got it." Except she did.

"Then why are here?" The yell startled both of them. Emily had given Paige plenty of reasons to yell at her over the years, but Paige had always been this constant source of patience and support. It had been so long, Emily was sure that she had forgotten Paige was capable of anger.

Paige collapsed on the edge bed, already exhausted with the new day. "I need you to leave. Help me, now, please. Please, help me by leaving." She clutched both of Emily's hands in hers and brought them to her forehead. Just letting the weight rest between them, while heavy sobs shook her body.

Emily's throat constricted. She knew that if she stepped closer, if she cupped Paige's cheeks and wiped her tears, she could capture those lips that she has missed for years. And just like that they would be so much further along than they are right now. It wasn't what she wanted, though, she needed Paige to forgive her on her own terms, not because Emily kissed her in a moment of weakness. She bent over and pressed her lips to the top of Paige's head. "I'll go," she said so quietly that had there been any other sound in the room, Paige wouldn't have heard Emily speak at all.

And for a moment, Paige was relieved. Sitting alone in her house and the end of her own bed where she would definitely be sleeping tonight, she congratulated herself on surviving Emily. It hadn't been that hard. Maybe she could move on. Probably not with Lena, but she could find someone else. Her heart hadn't been pounding uncontrollably the entire time Emily had been in her home. Her stomach had only fluttered a little every time she saw her. All those reactions were just lingering side effects of once having been in love with her. Nothing to be worried about.

Her kitchen was covered in flower and pancake batter. She smiled at the mess in front of her. It had been the best morning she had in a long time, despite her aching back and broken mixing bowl. Tears started build up in her eyes so she grabbed a sponge and tried not to think about how, if things had gone differently, this morning could have been every single morning...for them. Even if it couldn't last, at least she got one, fleeting glimpse, but she was done crying over Emily.

A promise to herself that was shattered as soon as she heard the first timid knock on the door.

For Paige, seeing Emily after she let her go never gets easier even with all the practice she has had. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"I know, I am so, so sorry. Please, believe me." She gripped Paige's forearm and squeezed. "The storm must have knocked a tree over last night and it's blocking your driveway. I can't get around it."

All she could do was pinch the bridge of her nose. Of course she had to move out to the country. Of course her gravel driveway couldn't have standing water and so it needed drainage ditches on both sides. Of course, Emily was trapped now, in her house, because the one stupid trees Paige needed to not fall did. "Get the girls," she paused to let out a long, slow breath, "I can clear the tree off the drive, but it's going to take me most of the day."

Emily nodded, biting the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling. She suspected that if Paige knew she was happy to be getting at least one more night, Paige would cut through that tree in record time. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Yeah, you could set up the guest room. I want my bed back." Then Paige remembered her manners, "Please."

* * *

10.02.19

* * *

 **AN** :

Less than a year to update!

Guess who wrote a chapter outline and then completely disregarded it. Me. It was me, you guys. In my defense I needed 800 words to describe the sofa Paige was trying to sleep on. Why? Because I am currently sitting on a sofa and I can only write about things I know about.

Do you remember when I promised angst? It gets worse (the angst, hopefully not the writing, but maybe that too).


End file.
